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7 ‘Keep it Simple Sunshine’, tips for mothers!

Today is ‘Thankful Thursday’ in our community and it’s no secret I love having an attitude of gratitude!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, long before I knew about ‘good karma’ or cultivating an attitude of ‘anything’, I had a moment before school in 1985 where I declared to my Dad;

“It’s not fair these shoes SUCK!”

And in my defence, the shoes DID suck. If I had more time, I would try & find a pic to prove it. However, my Dad changed my attitude forever when he told me to put the damn shoes on and remember this;

“I once complained I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.” — Anonymous

So from that moment forward, I didn’t feel it was fair to complain about much. In fact, the minute I complained, I quickly remembered someone was worse off.

And so this attitude of gratitude began and it’s a good thing. EXCEPT for when we start feeling pressured to ALWAYS be thankful.

What if things are SHITTY right now?

What if you are desperately trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel and someone hands you a lighter only to find it has no fluid. Or a match without the box?

Isn’t ok to NOT be thankful sometimes?

HELL YES!

In fact, life as I see it and ESPECIALLY motherhood is becoming too damn complicated!

So,  if you are thankful for nothing today, IT’S OK!

Hopefully I can make you thankful for this list!

KISS FOR MOTHERS!

1. If you enjoy it, do it.
2. If it works, keep doing it.
3. If it doesn’t work, change it.
4. If you feel guilty about it but are still going to do it, lose the guilt, do it AND enJOY it.
5. When things aren’t adding up in your life, start subtracting. Do less, be less, have less, clean less, expect less. Less is less. LESS. Not more.
6. Don’t flog a dead horse. If it’s broke, fix it. If it’s broken beyond repair, accept it, replace if necessary and move on. If ain’t broke, leave it the hell alone.
7. Don’t take a stand on everything with everyone. I could write full time merely responding to the amount of articles published about everything from parenting to motherhood, body size and post codes. And then there is my husband, kids, parents, friends and let’s not even mention the battles I engage in with MYSELF!  My point? Pick your battles and make sure they’re worth the exchange of energy! Oh and if it’s a battle with your kids, MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THAT YOU WILL WIN!

My message to you today is SIMPLE.

KEEP IT SIMPLE SUNSHINE!

Actually here are 3 more BONUS points. I roll like that

1. Ease the pressure. No-one is going to ease it for you. YOU have to say STOP. ENOUGH. I’M NOT PLAYING THIS GAME!
2. When you feel pressure, comparison etc creeping in, imagine you’re at a buffet, take what you need. Don’t look at someone else’s plate to see what they’re having. It might taste crap to you, they might be a meat lover and you’re vegetarian! Watch what YOU eat, not someone else!
3. Ask yourself this; When you go to Woolies or Coles, do you buy one of everything in the store? NO. You get what you need and you get out! Apply this to any area of your life. Playgroup, work, online communities, church, blogs, whatever! “Hungry people make bad shoppers” so fill your trolley of life with what works for you and leave the rest for what works for others!

By all means, read, listen, watch and learn but don’t beat yourself up in your quest to be a different version of YOU….so many people like you just the way you are!

HAVE A WONDER-FILLED DAY, you can start by giving yourself permission to live your way TODAY! 

 

 

PS If you would like my ‘KISS for MOTHERS’ in a pretty free printable, you best  leave a comment {to get the free printable, plus I am feeling lonely lately & need a virtual hug!} and sign up here so we can send it to you your inbox on Monday ok.

PPS Woolies or Coles? Just curious .

PPPS I bet both ways

It’s mothers day & I am sitting in my favourite coffee shop with my family.

The sun is shining, I am about to go swimming (where else but QLD) & I am feeling so blessed to have woken to pressies & brekkie in bed, after a surprise afternoon in the salon yesterday too! Spoilt indeed

On the surface, my happiness is bubbling for all to see. However, i am well aware of an undercurrent of sadness, that i am estranged from my mother right now

When it surfaces, I refocus. Only right now, my attempt to refocus, finds me remembering another type of pain.

As my eyes spy an article in the paper, I am reminded that as I celebrate the miracle of motherhood to my 2 children, there are another 8 I conceived, that I never got to meet.

Granted it never was nor is, my desire to have 10 children, and I am forever grateful for these 2 healthy, cheeky children, I am blessed to raise. However in my rush to look at the bright side, I gloss over the pain I experienced with each loss.

And how many women, all over the world, know this loss?

Many.

And how many men suffer in silence?

Just as many.

And how many more women are yet to experience conceiving, carrying & delivering their child? Still hoping for the day it all ‘goes ok’.

I remember this pain too well….

And then came our son. Our 3rd time lucky.

I guess right now, my reason for writing this, on my phone, without editing, without ‘thinking’ is for this….to share my emotions & hopefully help you tap into yours.

The loss of a baby no matter what stage, is more than a loss of life. It is a loss of hopes, dreams & a piece of your heart.

And today as much as any day, it’s ok to remember & acknowledge the children we never got to meet and KNOW we are not alone in our pain.

Reach out & share your story. For your story is my story & my story is yours…only the pen we hold is different.

Give yourself permission to feel today & celebrate LIFE & all that it entails.

Stace x

I HAVE TO QUIT!

Those were the words I have said for over and over, for the past week.

I was on my knees, gasping for air and couldn’t see any other way to get back on my feet.

I was in such a state, I had finally been forced to be brutally honest about how bad things were.

No I did not have cancer, my house had not burned down and I had food on the table. I of all people, would have told myself I don’t REALLY have any problems!

But here’s the thing, in my quest to always look on the bright side of life, I was ignoring the painful reality that over time, my life has gotten worse, rather than better.

Despite my best efforts to face my truth and GROW, I had not solved the underlying problem of WHY life kept delivering me blow after blow. I could declare til I was blue in the face, that I wanted a calm and simple life, yet somehow this serene existence, kept eluding me.

I knew I had a problem, but how exactly do you solve a problem, when you do not even know what the problem is?

When the student is ready, the will teacher appear – Buddhist Proverb

I have learnt many lessons over the years and have spent most of the past 3, sharing them here, on this blog. Sitting here now, I realise this was my training ground, for the delivery of my BIGGEST lesson thus far, and it arrived in 314 pages.

Page after page, I was forced to face the reality that for almost ALL of my life, I have been rushing to help others alleviate the pain in their own lives, so as to NOT have to face my own! Ouch!

After experiencing yet another ‘blow’, whilst wondering WHEN the drama will end, I opened Robin Norwood’s ‘Women Who Love Too much’ and found myself in it’s pages. This book came to me EXACTLY when I needed it. For just when I was about to settle for temporary relief by jumping back to my feet, being strong, rushing back to ‘work’ and going it alone, I realised Robin Norwood’s words must become my daily mantra;

Make your own recovery the first priority in your life – Robin Norwood

This is one book NOT to be judged by it’s cover.

Had it not been strongly suggested that I read it, I would have read the description and put the book back down, believing there was NOTHING in it for me. And you might think that too, however, if you grew up way too fast, in a dysfunctional family, in a home where alcoholism, drug abuse, violence, sexual abuse or all of the above, was no stranger AND you are struggling as an adult today, then, like me, you might just be a woman who loves too much!

Put simply, you have developed a pattern of thoughts and behaviours, in response to your problems from childhood, that are preventing you from living wholeheartedly and meeting your truly loving self.

As I got deeper into this book, I became more convinced I would need to QUIT Sunny Mummy, in order to recover. I felt I could not continue in my role because WHO I AM NOW, has become too entwined with my role as Sunny Mummy and cemented my identity in helping other mothers….

I thought I had to let go and I could feel sadness and anxiety creeping in. It was as though I was facing a judge, demanding to know if I was in or out? I told myself this was normal, part of recovery, that I was now allowing myself to FEEL pain, instead of rushing into another decision….

HANG ON!

Rushing into another decision…

Isn’t that exactly what I am doing? Numbing the pain of realising I have been avoiding pain, by distracting myself in yet another DECISION?????

WOW it was working!

I was becoming AWARE! So aware, I momentarily considered billing myself for the ‘self help’

So I ignored the ‘I need to QUIT‘ message and leaned into my pain, whilst devouring the rest of the book. And as I read the last line, my shoulders dropped, the tears dried up and I realised, the only thing I needed to let go of, was the obsessive need to HELP others, in order to avoid my own pain! I didn’t need to QUIT helping others, only STOP doing so, for the wrong reasons!

I would have to hang up the cape I swore never existed {talk about ‘closet’ cape wearer!} and turn in my SUPER HELPER badge!

And so here I am, declaring to the world and most importantly myself, that I QUIT!

I QUIT BEING A WOMAN WHO LOVES SO MUCH, THAT SHE AVOIDS FEELING HER OWN PAIN BY HELPING OTHERS. I QUIT BEING DRAWN INTO THE TIME CONSUMING, ENERGY DRAINING BATTLES THAT I HAVE BEEN CO-STARRING IN MY WHOLE LIFE. I QUIT WAITING FOR MY MOTHER AND FATHER TO PARENT ME. I QUIT THINKING I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE PAID FOR MY WORK.  I QUIT BURYING MY FEELINGS SO DEEPLY THAT I NEED TO FIGHT, RECONCILE, MOVE, DYE MY HAIR {NO I TAKE THAT ONE BACK, I LIKE COLOURING MY HAIR} AND ENTER INTO BATTLES I DO NOT NEED TO, JUST TO FEEL ALIVE. AND MOSTLY, I QUIT LOVING OTHERS, MORE THAN MYSELF.

There, I said it. And you know what, I didn’t even KNOW I was doing all of the above! I honestly love myself but now I realise, I loved helping others even more I ignored the very message I created and delivered to mothers, under the false belief that helping them follow it, was more important than my continuing to do so, never realising that by helping OTHERS, I was AVOIDING ME!

Yikes!

WHO KNEW and how many others are like me???? I MUST HELP THEM…UH-OH

STEP AWAY FROM THE CAPE STACEY!

Being overly helpful is what got me into trouble in the first place, not to mention helping BEFORE I had WHOLLY helped myself!

So now the real work begins…

The work of learning to live without the chaos. Of committing to making my own recovery my 1st priority and reflecting this in my work. Facing my failures and acknowledging my achievements. The very reason I started the Sunny Mummy Movement, has seen me so focused on picking up and delivering the needs of others, that I have drowned out my own. I am now looking at what makes me feel good and happy and will be doing MORE of that!

What I KNOW FOR SURE is, my work with Sunny Mummy makes me feel good and happy, so I am not going anywhere! However, looking back, I was doing it for as many wrong reasons, as right…

So here I am, once again, baring all.

And it feels so very different.

Where once I bared my all, in an effort to ‘keep it real’ and ‘HELP’….now I am TRULY NAKED.

NAKED as in VULNERABLE and fully aware that I need to work hard on my own recovery, before I can help others. And I refuse to sabotage my self discovery and growth by slipping to my old ways.

So tonight, I say to you, from the bottom of my healing heart…

I look forward to sharing MY journey with you, my scariest leg yet! Not as a preacher or teacher, as simply a woman. A woman who is brave enough {but scared out of her mind no less} to set out on a path to stop this kind of pain, share her struggles and hopefully, inspire others to do same.

Can you relate? Did you have a similar childhood to mine? Are you struggling now? Please leave a comment and share your story, I for one, need to know I am NOT alone x

If there is one thing I love, it’s scouring the web for beautyFULL images.

I often immerse myself in a sea of flimsy romance, designer dreams and soul feeding inspiration, all in the name of sourcing an image to use in a post. The guidelines for my visual quest are simple…It must speak to me and complement my message.

Many a time I lose myself in the wonder of the images readily available on the web, only to find myself spinning in threads of falsehood and hope, woven together in ‘what is’ and ‘what could be’. With the discovery of Pinterest and Instagram, I am literally in an ‘image wonderland’.

I can also be found constantly snapping away on my iPhone, capturing the many aspects of my world. I love the memories I freeze in time and the ability to share them with others. Up until my ‘disconnection’ {read all about that here}, I would NEVER leave the house without my phone. I could provide you with more reasons than necessary;

What if I breakdown? What if the school calls? What if I need to work? What if I see an amazing sight I want to capture? What if Oprah calls? Shall I go on?

However, now that I have re-connected, I recognise the importance of balancing BEING with DOING. WATCHING with PARTICIPATING. TALKING with LISTENING and CAPTURING with MEMORISING!

You know, like seeing something beautyFULL, perhaps your child swinging or a sunset. And rather than instantly reaching for your phone/camera every time, simply capture the memory with your mind and file it away whilst you lose yourself in the pleasure of watching the moment unfold through the miracle of your own lens…your eyes!

Last night I did just that. It wasn’t easy. It was a spectacular day on the Gold Coast and we finished our day with a family walk on the beach. I purposely left my phone at home. I am working on mindfulness and I wanted to BE with my family…

I want to cultivate a Mindful Marriage and to be a Mindful Mama. To walk, hold hands, do cartwheels and feel the sand between our toes!

The sun started to set and honestly, I don’t think I have seen a more magical sunset in my life. The colours made me feel like the earth was awash with musk sticks and marshmallows. People with cameras were everywhere, capturing the amazing light that sprinkled the sand and danced on the waves.

I wanted my phone. For a moment, it wasn’t enough to see it, I wanted to share it. I felt lost…

I kept saying to my family;

“Look at the sunset, look at the light, it’s SO beautiful. Far out, why didn’t I bring my phone?”.

Umm, because only moments before, you purposefully left your phone at home in the pursuit of mindfulness, now here you are complaining about NOT having your  phone!

And my family looked at me, not knowing I was already mentally answering my own question, agreed that the sunset was indeed beautiful and went right back to walking and simply soaking it all up. My son pointed out shapes in the clouds that were highlighted by the fading sun, my daughter did cartwheels and my husband relished in the fresh air and exercise, after a long commute home.

Then I thought of Hands Free Mama. This is it! THIS is what HANDS FREE MOTHERING is about!

Letting GO…to grasp what REALLY matters.

Now granted I wasn’t exactly hands free. I was carrying 1 set of keys, 1 water bottle, 1 pair of shorts, 1 rock and 2 pairs of thongs, to be precise. If I had had my camera, I could have shown you!

But I did not have my camera because I wanted to be mindful and choosing to not take my camera, was actually going HANDS FREE! Rachel’s Hands Free Revolution is for anyone who wants “to let go of daily distraction and perfection, to embrace what matters”. She is a mama after my own heart and I encourage you to join me, in joining her, if the ‘Hands Free’ philosophy speaks to you, as loudly as it does to me!

Picture Free

After we got home, I thought about how it’s not enough to commit to pursuing mindfulness. We must commit to being vigilant in who or what, secures our attention, moment by moment and make choices accordingly. I can assure you RIGHT NOW, I am not about to give up my camera, phone, instagram account and stop pinning. What I am doing, is being MINDFUL about when I use my tools and how, allowing me to cultivate a balance between being capturing a moment in my mind and on a screen.

Another great blog I follow, is Be More with Less . Courtney recently decided to go ‘image free’ on her blog. She doesn’t miss the pictures and neither do her readers. Yes, a picture certainly can be worth a thousand words, however sometimes a picture can distract from the true message intended by the writer. It distracts us from the wonder of the written word and can lead us to an assumption of what the article is about, before we have passed the picture and title. In Courtney’s case, her blog design is so clean and calming, that together with her talented writing, the removal of images is a testimony to her message of, Be More with Less.

Whilst I could never forgo images all together on this blog, I do want to challenge myself to share some moments with you, with nothing but words. To share lessons learnt, whilst allowing your imagination to create what that moment might have looked like, to you.

This is my 1st official ‘Picture Free Post’ {see, no picture!}, and I would love you to join me!

How will it work?

Picture Free Post will be many things to many of us. A way to simply record a memory from the weekEND, a challenge to go ‘Hands Free’, a way to hone your writing skills without the support of an image and a mindful way to share a moment from your weekEND, with the blogging world!

I invite you to share your ‘Picture & Hands Free’ moment from the weekend, by linking up your ‘Picture Free Post’ to ours, every Monday.

*This is part 2, from a two part post. Click here to read the first post.

That moment

I have spent the past couple of weeks, renegotiating relationships, restructuring my life and redefining what is truly important to me. It has been hard work and well worth the effort needed, to make good choices and move forward with my life in a meaningful and successful way.

I have spoken at length with our CEO Chris, from SunnyKids and we are committed to developing a model that supports mothers in the best possible way, whilst ensuring the organisation not only survives, but thrives!

Put simply, I am beyond proud of creating the Sunny Mummy movement, however it cannot survive solely on my passion and presence alone.

I want to be a Sunny Mummy too! Embracing the movement, being a part of this community,  contributing to my family financially and enJOYing life!

And we need a movement!

…to be surrounded by other sunnies, supporting each other in motherhood and life. Women who are willing to be BRAVE and ignore the pressure to conform to what ‘they say’ you SHOULD or COULD be.

Mothers who will CHOOSE to collaborate rather than compare & compete, in their motherhood journey. 

From an early age, I had a desire to help people. I have always known I would be ‘somebody’ and to admit this, pisses some people off. It has been taken out of context in the past and it hurt me to think that anyone would interpret my caring and believing I would ‘be somebody’, as anything other than a deep knowing, I was destined to be someone, who made a difference in a BIG way!

When I released this post, in its entirety, within the safety of our Sunny Mummy Sisterhood, one of our earliest Sunnies, Kate, whom I have had the pleasure of meeting in real life too, let me know that she too has always felt like this, however she uses a term that the wonderful Helen Keller used, when describing her life, that is a much better way of describing the feeling;

‘She had a vision of a greater and out-of-the-ordinary purpose for her life’

And this is what our sisterhood is about, caring and sharing our motherhood and life experiences, whilst making suggestions in a safe and supportive environment! {Kate has an amazing story herself which she shares on her blog} Thanks Kate!

It’s not easy to share your ideas and yourself, with the world. Especially when it is so easy for others to judge. Judging hurts and no matter how strong a person is, it doesn’t make them immune to the pain. I have to admit, in the last week or so, I have had people leave my life I NEVER thought would.

I almost surrendered! I almost became Shannon Noll on the back of the ute in Condobolin again, singing “What about me, it isn’t fair”…..I QUIT! Back to the nearest call centre I go

But then as I sat and watched The Lorax movie with my kids last week, the finishing quote left me frozen…

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and a massive shift inside me occurred, as I remembered…

I care ALOT and things HAVE changed and WILL change for many mothers, because I not only cared about them, I acted! I had an idea, a passion and no idea HOW or IF it would work & it did (well sort of )

But here’s the thing, UNLESS I care about myself first, dig deep enough to figure out what my needs and wants are, plus have the COURAGE to CHANGE, then the very movement I created, will never survive!

The Sunny Mummy philosophy is not for everyone. There are always going to be women who won’t like it, and that’s ok. For others, it will scare the shit out of them, as it did with me. Change is scary and I am the first to acknowledge, it is a ‘loaded’ word when it comes to me…

I am the Queen of Change!

However, as my counsellor once said;

“Nothing changes and everything changes.”

And I am willing to embrace change yet again. To be scared, to risk putting myself out there because I wholeheartedly believe in my work. More importantly, I now know, sometimes you really can do the same ‘action’, yet get a totally different result!

The difference lies in your intention and willingness, to be brutally honest with yourself about why the change is needed and to clearly define, what the outcome MUST be!

Knowing vs doing

By working through my lessons, pain, loss and gain, I have developed a personal ‘mission statement’ to boldly declare and remind me every day, what I stand for;

Loving WHOLEHEARTEDLY, Living AUTHENTICALLY, Learning CONSTANTLY!

Because here’s the thing, any woman with a blog, can write about Authenticity.

And anyone can talk about it, until the cows come home. However, UNLESS you ‘genuinely attempt to deliberately practice’ wholehearted living and loving, moment by moment, experience by experience, person by person, every single day, especially when the ones you love most are hurting you and leaving you feeling misunderstood and unloved, then all the writing and talking in the world, doesn’t mean JACK!

And I should know.

There are people whom I loved most in my world, who have exited my life, as a result of my commitment to live this way, from now on. Up until now, I was guilty of speaking and writing, sentimental, meaningful words, worthy of Hallmark awarding me a greeting card range!

Of course I did so with the genuine intention of following through, only to have my fear of not being good enough, get in the way of experiencing the growth, genuine connection, understanding and acceptance that being vulnerable can bring.

Make no mistake, masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting and whilst I FULLY encourage everyone to take off their mask and jump off the stage, one MUST be prepared for people to exit their world! Not even those who feel safe and secure in the knowledge that they are surrounded by ‘likeminded’ friends, are immune these departures. Simply because your  version of  ’authentic living’, may turn out to be more different, than alike.

It’s not enough to KNOW about authentic living or simply be WILLING to live in such a way. We must PRACTICE  day after day, moment after moment AND not only be willing to admit, when we have fallen away from our commitment, but get right back on the horse!

This is what it means to CHOOSE authenticity. To face all kinds of challenges and emotions day after day, to put yourself out there, to understand and be understood, to love and to be loved and YES, to hurt and be hurt, because after all, this is what it means to be human.

Whilst I thought I had the knowledge necessary to live authentically, the reality was, I had to pay the price of a breakdown in relationships with those I care about most, in order to cultivate the skills necessary to genuinely start living and loving wholeheartedly!

And I found these skills with my counsellor and in the amazing work of,  Brene Brown.

The image below sits proudly on my desktop, as a constant reminder of my commitment;

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Moving forward

The future will see me continue in my role as Director of Sunny Mummy, together with offering a new service, privately as Stacey.

Sunny Mummy

As the founder and now Director, of Sunny Mummy, a ‘not for profit’ organisation, owned by QLD charity, Sunnykids, I am excited about unravelling our new direction, where we will continue to inspire, motivate and support mothers to look after themselves and enJOY motherhood, through the screen and more importantly, BEYOND!

Real life connection and transformation is what I love most about my work and our core focus will now be on delivering the Sunny Mummy message face to face!

Whilst I have delivered talks and presentations in the past, I have now developed signature Sunny Mummy Seminars and Workshops; that will see me deliver inspiration, motivation and practical tools, to enable mothers to truly understand the Sunny Mummy Philosophy and actually LIVE it, in a way that works for YOU!

We have already begun accepting ‘tailored’ bookings from individual corporate organisations and are in the process of finalising our ‘signature’ series, ready to book for your workplace, school, playgroup, home etc.

If you are interested in being the first to receive information on how to book a seminar or workshop, click here.

Our Sisterhood is closed to new members at present, as we consider how best to continue providing a safe haven for likeminded mothers, online. A space to discuss, support and share ideas surrounding the Sunny Mummy Philosophy.

{If you would like to be the first to find out when memberships to the sisterhood re-open, click here}

In the meantime, we are working on updating our site to reflect our new direction and I look forward to returning to a regular blogging schedule!

Stacey Sullaphen

As I spent the last few weeks digging deep, asking myself what really fills my cup and considering ways to generate an income, it became clear that the natural progression for me, is to commence privately mentoring mothers, in a formal way.  I have conducted support sessions with mothers in the past, and still receive requests for ‘one on one’ sessions.

I have mentored many a mother and friend through babies, business and beyond, and whilst I have a talent for generating ideas and encouraging people to pursue their business dreams, it is motherhood and positive life management, where my true passion lies.

{If you are a mother in business or have an idea for business, look no further than Green Bananas Mentoring. A business initiative of Bianca Shugg, founder of Peekaboo magazine and Jumpin Publishing, there is no other mentoring business better equipped to support your business!}

As a result, I will soon be accepting bookings for Mama Mentoring and I am beyond excited about providing individual attention and impacting the lives of mothers, in a way that is simply not possible online and in workshops.

{If you are interested in receiving further information on mentoring, please email stacey@sunnymummy.com.au with ‘Mentoring’ in the subject line, to be the first to receive details} 

OK, that’s it. What a novel!

If you have read part one and all the way to here, WELL DONE and seriously, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart….For reading my story and for being a part of this community and movement!

Let’s continue to support one another in babies, business and beyond and most of all;

Be Brave, Embrace Change, Choose Collaboration, enJOY the Present and…

“As for the future, your task is not to foresee it but to enable it.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery 

See you at a workshop, online or for mentoring, real soon!

PS Would love to hear your thoughts on if you can relate or if any of my story has helped you realise some of your own?

PM {Pre-Motherhood}

When I first became pregnant with my son, I was terrified I would miscarry. Given that I had miscarried twice before, my fear was somewhat justified.

Once the ‘miscarry danger’ stage was passed, I became terrified the baby’s heart would stop beating and I would have a still born. Whilst I had not personally known anyone who had experienced this, it didn’t make the fear, any less ‘real’.

When finally the first contraction started, I became terrified of the pain of labour, surviving labour and if I did make it through, I was terrified the baby would not be healthy.

Looking back almost 10 years ago, I now see that 2 miscarriages, a fear filled pregnancy and a 38 hr labour culminating in the delivery of an almost 10 1/2 lb baby, via the ‘standard’ route, was indeed the easy part!

{yes, I swear this is ME!}

AM {After-Motherhood}

Once I became a mother, I had many new fears. At its simplest, was the realisation that at the day before my 24th birthday, I became someone’s mother!  Who on earth approved THAT? Not only did I have to keep a real life person alive, in my opinion, I had to do it ‘perfectly’.

As far as I was concerned, there would be no formula, no commercial baby food, no sugar, no television, no mess and certainly no staying in my pyjamas all day hibernating.

Oh no, we were social butterflies straight from the hospital as I spent hours proudly pushing my ‘peg perego’ pram, locating the parents room and purchasing more ‘stuff’. Looking back, I think I was terrified to go home and commence the inevitable.

Operation ‘Perfect Mother’

My self imposed mission was to ensure the baby would sleep, eat and poop on time, so I could also make sure the house looked and smelt amazing….Rather than take the advice ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ (FYI pregnant & new mums, DO THAT!), I cleaned and baked because that is what good mothers did, right?

No-one would EVER know that inside I was beating myself up, wondering how other woman did it and certainly not enJOYing this motherhood gig. Instead, I decided I would spend 24 hrs a day, trying to prove I was ‘good enough’ and saw motherhood as my chance to ‘smash’ the ball out of the park.

Ironically, by the time I had my 2nd baby, succeeding at motherhood was no longer the game and I was now playing to prove I could juggle motherhood and marriage, with full time university study. It was only after a my lung collapsed, pneumonia was diagnosed and a Dr questioned how good a mother I really was, if I was willing to let myself nearly die in my quest to ‘do it all’, that finally I realised the only thing needing to be ‘smashed’, was the illusion that I had it ‘all together’!

Let the breakdownthrough begin

It was here that my experience with counselling began.

Slowly but surely, I begun to see that in the same way no 2 babies or births were alike, nor were mothers. For me or any mother to try reach some impossible standard in motherhood, set by ourselves or others, was a recipe for a very unhappy mummy, family and society at large.

I let go of the notion of what a  mother ‘should’ look like and embraced the theory that every mother is the perfect mother, for their child/ren!

The fear of not being a ‘good enough’ mother, together with the belief that in order to look after my family best, I had to put myself last, was gone. The pressure to put ‘play with kids’ and ‘keep house perfect’ on my internal ‘to-do’ list, was replaced with ‘Have bath’ and ‘relax’!

Finally, I was spending my days focusing on how I FELT rather than how it all LOOKED. I was no longer a ‘perfect, I can do it all, yummy mummy’ enduring motherhood.

I was a Sunny Mummy…

A woman who was looking after herself first, in order to look after her family best and enJOYing motherhood!

Before my newfound way of motherhood, I sat and listened to the ‘mumversations’ that too often seemed to be sprinkled with;

“Oh I love it/it’s such a joy/no my baby doesn’t do that/of course my baby does that/my baby sleeps right through/I made these from scratch/What else do you do?/Oh I wish I could ‘stay home’ but then I guess I wouldn’t be able to study, run a business, volunteer, go to the gym and walk on the moon/Oh I’m fine”.

Where once I had subconsciously watched, listened, compared and ultimately judged other mothers, I began talking to them in a way I never had before.

I was happier and determined to ‘keep it real’ with other mothers from now on. I started to have conversations that went more like this;

“Seriously, how hard is motherhood sometimes? I can’t believe I used to think I had to do it all and that every other woman was doing a better job than me”.

And so began my mission to rid motherhood of pressure, perfection and competition!

The ‘apparent’ rise of the ‘Mumprenuer’

For almost 3 years now, I have shared, encouraged, inspired and motivated mothers, to enJOY motherhood.

I had let go of my self imposed pressures regarding motherhood and truly loved {and still do} helping other mothers. I had finally found my passion and it didn’t matter that not only was I not earning an income, this ‘passion’ of mine, was ‘costing’ my family money.

Yes, I might have been in Madison Magazine, U Magazine and more, all portraying me as a successful ‘mumpreneur’. However if by success they meant ‘profit’. Then successful I was NOT. Luckily or unluckily, success to me was the growth of the movement and the women now enJOYing motherhood, as a result of my commitment to spread the message at all costs.

My husband supported me financially and emotionally, whilst trying to get me to see that ‘helping other families’ was ‘hurting ours’.

I could not be reasoned with and costing it was…

As far as I was concerned, I was enJOYing motherhood, helping other women do the same and naively believed that if I stayed true and worked hard, I would eventually not only earn an income, I would hire other mothers to ease my workload, whilst helping them earn an income too!

The woman who set out ‘practicing and preaching’ her mission to help other mothers discover the importance of “looking after themselves first, in order to look after their families best”, got so busy trying to earn an income from her preaching, she had embraced a new kind of perfection, as she once again tried to ‘do it all’. And she had stopped the most important part of her mission, practicing.

Furthermore, she was so overwhelmed by the need of mothers and growth of her positive movement, that the lines between real life and and her screen, became indistinguishable.

Knock down and rebuild

3 yrs,  1 interstate move, 1 separation, 1 reconciliation, 1 merger, 2 diagnoses and 8 weeks ‘offline’ later…I have finally arrived in a place where I can acknowledge not only did my passion/mission/obsession, cost our family a considerable amount of debt and difficulty, it has cost me much more including friendships, health and worst of all, ALMOST my marriage.

As I write this, I can say without a shadow of doubt, I would NOT change a thing!

I have helped many, discovered my talents, met amazing people, travelled overseas, driven my dream car and realised my goal of establishing Sunny Mummy as a not for profit organization.

However, what goes UP, must come down and with these ‘pleasures’, has come much pain. In it’s mildest from, comes the realisation that no matter how pure your intentions and how kind you are, some people will just not ‘get’ your message and simply not like you. That’s the easy part.

At its severest, there is the loss of treasured friendships, the emotional trauma that comes with a marriage breakdown and the utter shock, shame and pain, that comes with being disrespected and assaulted, by a former friend. 

Keeping it real

I have spent most of my life, emptying every thought in my head, in a seeming commitment to honesty and helping others, by ‘keeping it real’.

Whilst I convinced myself that telling others how I saw it and sharing every detail of my life, was conducive to authentic living, the reality was, I had no boundaries and was still wrestling with the fear of not being ‘good enough’.

I have written this ‘post’ many times. It has been written in anger, sadness and happiness. Thankfully, I resisted my old ‘keepin it real’ ways and never hit ‘publish’!

Instead, I raged against the inner ‘people pleaser’, dimmed the perpetual ‘bright side girl’ and struggled with the anger that constantly screamed;

“Tell it all Stacey. Name and shame the people who…” 

See, I ALMOST did it again and shared too much!

No, I would not succumb to my anger and instead I took my time, examined my motives for wanting to ‘name and shame’ and finally realised, it was I, that was struggling with shame. 

It wasn’t until I read Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, that I learnt in order to be resilient to shame, I must;

“name it, talk about it, own it and, tell my story”.

So I cried, wrote, sat, ran, prayed, read and talked about it all with a counsellor.

Finally, I am able to own my experience and tell my story, in a meaningful way. I am immensely proud of myself for being courageous enough to be emotionally honest and not tell my story in a way that attempted to fight shame with shame.

Today, I am stronger, wiser and more real than ever. Lessons have been learnt and pain has been my teacher. I have seen where I have failed and am humble enough to admit….

I was so connected, I was disconnected.

I was a mother, wife, leader, business owner, friend and more. I looked like I had it ‘all’ when in reality, I was doing none of it well and was slowly becoming unwell.

Disconnect

Here’s the thing, in todays fast paced world, we believe we are OK because we have a sense of ‘belonging’ in our online connections. It’s all too easy to get caught up in quick comments, giveaways, ‘expressing by pressing’ and connecting with people via a screen.

In our real world, away from the screen, disconnection with the ones we love most, left unacknowledged, grows into a ‘I’m busy, you’re busy. I’m OK, you’re OK and that’s OK” .

Disconnectedness can destroy lives. It gets busy unravelling the threads of our ‘core’ relationships, whilst we’re busy ‘sewing’ more fabric.

Being online and off, like anything, comes down to finding a balance between 2 extremes. Personally, I have spent a long time being at one end of the scale and in a moment of clarity, I came to realise, for me, it’s not OK…

Click here for part 2!

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Last week I had a much needed coffee date with my dear friend Sonya.

Sonya is a lot like me. We have the same dresses, drive the same cars and are both 100 miles an hour, shiny happy people.

Strangely, we were both early for our coffee date. This never happens.

I am one of those people who likes to be on time but find it difficult in my personal life.

I never understood why.

I am up early, I prepare (most of the time) the night before, yet am often late. I now realise it is because I grossly underestimate the time it takes me/us to get ready and/or get to our destination. I fill every last minute with tasks and am distracted easily.

“It’s my ADHD” I often say. Half joking, half serious.

As Sonya sits down, I say to her…

“So, I am exhausted. I am always busy, yet feel like I am achieving nothing. I know us mums often joke that it’s motherhood but I went to the Dr and he thinks I have ADHD but I think he’s full of… Oh look at that pretty painting, dress, lady, bird! ”

Hmmm

Sonya laughed and was quick to remind me that I always suspected this about myself anyway, that all the fabulous people have it and questioned what was so great about normal?

I laughed, agreed but went on to add that if I really do have ADHD, I feel ripped off because I could have achieved more by now, had I known earlier.

“Like what?” Asked Sonya.

“I don’t know” I replied and promptly read her some of my last post on my personal blog.

“Wow, that’s beautiful” she said of the words.

“I wrote it” I quickly added, sensing she thought they were written by a ‘writer‘.

“You need to finish that book Stacey and share it with the world”

“I know” I said before adding that “I write, but I am not a ‘writer’”.

In that moment, I realised it was not my dear friend who did not believe I was a ‘real’ writer, it was me…

Sonya quickly added, “But you are a writer Stacey. What, is there a writing school? Screw that, you don’t need a certificate, I’ll give you one now!”

And she did.

Right there in our local cafe, Sonya awarded me a degree in writing, on a napkin of course.

Not just any degree….

A Literary Super Star Degree with Honors! 

She then told me to put a napkin on my head for my graduation photo!

And so here I am, super star writer, almost finished book producer, soon to be published author, who will one day own a shabby chic cottage by the sea to write in and will share her story, changing some lives along the way.

Did I really need to be awarded an honorary degree in a cafe  to go do/be that?

Furthermore, was the napkin on the head, really necessary?

All I really needed, was permission from the most important person, ME and to BELIEVE that I am qualified because I ALREADY DO IT and I DO IT WELL.

Motherhood

So all this qualification business got me thinking about motherhood.

There is no training and degree to prove you are qualified.

It is completely on the job training and the work not to mention conditions, can often be tough.

I mean, if our job was advertised, with all that it entails, it is very likely that the position of Mother, would remain unfilled.

And yet we do it. We jump straight in, we love and care for these people and rather than BELIEVE in ourselves and have confidence in our abilities, we question our experience and beat ourselves up over our methodology!

Furthermore, do I run around saying to other people ” I have kids but I’m not really a mum?”

Hardly!

After a conversation with our CEO Chris, from Sunnykids today, I asked him about study to gain qualifications and he said, “You have them, You’re a great MUM”!

“OK Chris, I’ll just add MUM behind my name shall I?” I joked

“YES” he replied!

And he’s right.

I am enough and so are YOU.

We are QUALIFIED!

You are BEYOND qualified to mother YOUR children and what’s more, I think it is HIGH time we started showing society the importance of our role.

So from this moment forward, I shall be known as Stacey Sullaphen MUM.

That’s correct, I am placing my post nominals after my name because I am so freaking qualified, my kids should pay me

And you are too!

And seeing as no-one IS paying us, let’s at least have a certificate and a little graduation ceremony!

Tonight, at 8pm QLD time, I will award the members of our Sisterhood, their honorary degree in motherhood with honours, during our LIVE chat!

Let it be known that YOU already have everything you need, to raise your children UP and are doing WAY better than you think!

You do not need to take a single class or write one essay and there are defiantly no HECS fees

YOU are a scholar, an outstanding student and teacher so stop beating your children’s mother up.

It’s not nice to go through each day with someone being nasty to you…

So accept this qualification and start signing off with your official letters MUM and stand PROUD!

The hand that rocks the cradle really does rock the world and motherhood would literally NOT be the same without YOU and all that you bring!

PS Bring a cap and gown ok, tis an exciting moment to recognise the importance of what you do for your family, society and the world! Hurrah!

1. Buy her something, not the baby!
2. Cook a meal for her, drop it off, do not stay unless she begs you to.
3. Bring said meal in disposable containers to save washing up & stress of returning dish.
4. Pick up her washing, drop it back folded.
5. Place a ‘kit kat’ in the washing, reminding her to ‘take a break’.
6. Don’t ask if there is anything you can do, just do something.
7. Likewise, don’t tell her to call if she needs anything, txt to check if you can bring milk or bread.
8. Offer to watch the baby while she showers or goes for a coffee by herself, with a book.
9. Tell her it does get better and she WILL sleep again.
10. Do not tell her it all goes by so very quickly, so enjoy every minute.
11. Support her choice of feeding. Ie is the baby getting fed? Great, method is irrelevant.
12. Tell her to never feed in front of the TV whilst watching late night tv, especially with her purse close by because it is inevitable she will buy a useless exercise machine from a b grade celeb.
13. Listen to her fears. Acknowledge them. Reassure her she is normal.
14. Tell her to trust her instincts.
15. If she reads baby books, tell her to take what she needs out of them and leave the rest.
16. Fill up water bottles for her and encourage her to drink often
17. Give her a book to read whilst feeding
18. Text her an inspiring message
19. Offer to take photos of HER and the baby
20. Remind her that her body gave life, it doesn’t matter what it looks like, it matters how she feels
21. Reassure her that breakfast can also be dinner!
22. If you visit her and the baby falls asleep. Leave & tell her to have a sleep too.
23. If she has older kids, take them to the park while she has a sleep.
24. Likewise, if these kids go to school & you can do it, offer to do school pick up or drop off
25. Keep it REAL, be honest about what you found hard.
26. Txt, don’t call so you don’t disturb her but tell her to CALL back if she wants to hear a real voice
27. Tell her about Sunny Mummy!
28. Buy her a massage or give her one.
29. Paint her toenails.
30. Laugh, cry, be silent with her.
31. Ask her if she is OK? Really Ok? If she’s not, tell her she will BE OK, then offer to take her to GP
32. Blowdry or straighten her hair, better still, book a hairdresser to come to the house.
33. Tell her its ok if she doesn’t like her mothers group or breastfeeding or visitors.
34. Set up a feeding station for her. Put a jug of water, something pretty, a book, notepad & pen.
35. Encourage her to put her feet up in the afternoon. If she is breastfeeding it helps with supply.
36. Remember to ask DAD how he is too.
37. Buy her a pure, natural, scented candle to encourage relaxation.
38. Remind her that she is more than just a mother, she is a woman with needs to.
39. Let her know it is completely normal to check if your baby is breathing like a possessed person.
40. Remind her to get sunlight & fresh air.
41. Don’t question her  methods. Allow her to figure things out. Of course if she asks, then help.
42. Bring snacks for her such as cut of carrot, celery, cherry tomatoes etc that she can munch on.
43. Tell her pyjama days are totally acceptable but remind her that showering feels good too!
44. Buy her a journal and encourage her to record her thoughts.
45. Tell her she is the perfect mother for HER children!

Here is a video of some perfect mamas after just giving birth…grab some tissues and if you enJOYed this post, please share it so mums, new and old, can get the encouragement we all need!

PS What would YOU add to this list?

You may or may not know, that I conceived Sunny Mummy at 3am, after breaking down in the laundry earlier that day, almost 3 years ago.

This was a defining moment for me, one many of us have and will experience.

What I’ve learnt in these past 3 amazing years since, is that I can’t ‘prevent’ a mum from having a breakdown. However I can share my experience and provide a place to support or prepare, for your breakTHROUGH!

Somewhere inside all of us, lives a Mean Mother. She is the one that tells you, you have no idea about this mothering gig. That your house is not clean, big or nice enough. That your birthday party efforts  are crap compared to the ones on pinterest and your thighs are not skinny enough. She tells you that you should have breastfed longer or that the mother at playgroup does not like you and thinks your kid is naughty. You believe all of this and join her in a daily assassination of your character.

You are reminded of your days back in high school when you never really fitted in and now is no different. If only you could afford to renovate, upgrade the car, buy nicer clothes, lose 10 kilos,  work on your marriage, get married, spend more time with the kids, work less, work more and be a better mother, THEN you would love yourself and be happy!

The reality is this, NONE of that shit matters and there is not one mother who is perfect. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect & THAT, my fellow mamas, IS perfect!

Because all you really need to start believing is that YOU are worthy AND you are the woman for the job of mothering your kids.

I want to know, if not YOU, then WHO? And if not NOW, then WHEN?

When will you start to believe this?

The problem is, and i know because I did it for WAY too long, is that we torture our own souls and minds. We complicate things. Question ourselves. Incessantly. When all along the answer is not complicated and ‘out’ there, it is within.

Fear is the prison and Self love is the key that will set you free!

And right now, if this post is speaking to you, get excited because it is when we find ourselves recognizing the need to be braver, that true growth is on its way!

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Radical Self Love & the death of the Mean Mother

If you spend any amount of time on the internet, seeking to be inspired, you will be familiar with the term ‘Radical Self Love’.

The ‘gung ho’, ‘bull at a gate’ side of my personality LOVES this phrase. It screams ‘YEAH, lets just skip the ‘like’ part and go straight to ‘RADICAL SELF LOVE DUDE‘ (you gotta admit, radical and dude just GO together, yes?) and forget the ‘like bit’. My gentler side says ‘No, lets start out slowly and ease our way into this self love thing, I am scared’.

Well I believe, if you don’t even like yourself, why waste time learning to? Feel the fear and let’s just skip ‘liking yourself’ and get straight to what you TRULY deserve….

RADICAL SELF LOVE.

Which ultimately means you care, respect and KNOW you are important and will not settle for anything less!

Do not confuse self love with always ‘feeling good’.

It is vastly different.

We should always value and love our selves, even if we don’t feel good, because feelings change and pass moment to moment, day to day, cycle to cycle

So what’s a girl to do then when there is a MEAN MUM inside of her? 

Firstly, when she opens her big mouth, recognise her, then kill her. SHUT HER UP THEN DOWN. She is like a cat x 1000 i.e. she has 9000 lives and the only way you will rid your mind of her for good, is with consistency and affirmations {I am allergic to cats by the way. fact}!

Start by saying at least 3000 times a day, Louise Hay style,

“I love and approve of myself. I am everything my child needs and MORE”.

And before you question it, DON’T!

The energy you are about to use to tell me and yourself WHY you can’t LOVE yourself, would be far better used to get your NIKE on.

I.e Just do it!

You’ve nothing to lose but self doubt and a whole lotta love to gain!

Now who is with me?